Improve Your Social Skills Read online

  Overcoming Fear and Social Anxiety

  I’ll be honest.

  Social interaction can be scary.

  What if you don’t know what to say?

  What if you do something awkward and people laugh at you?

  What if you get rejected?

  Social interaction is supposed to be fun. But when you are struggling with anxiety, it’s hard to enjoy spending time with others.

  Fortunately, there is a way to overcome your fear. You can’t turn off fear entirely, but you can keep it from controlling you.

  To do this, you need to understand the difference between true fear and physical fear.

  True Fear vs. Physical Fear

  True Fear is a good thing. It’s your body’s way of warning you about danger. If a bear ambles into your campsite, you will feel a jolt of adrenaline, your heart will start pounding, and your brain will start screaming: THAT IS A BEAR. Because of this fear, you will drop everything else that you’re doing and work to protect yourself. Your body uses true fear to keep you safe from real danger.

  Physical Fear is when your body activates the fear response even though there is no real danger. When a monster jumps out during a scary movie, you might experience the exact same physical response that the bear in your campsite triggered. The difference is that while a bear can hurt you, special effects cannot.

  Your body doesn’t understand the difference. But you do. You can enjoy a scary movie because you know the difference between a harmless movie monster and the real danger of a bear. And you can enjoy social interactions by learning to distinguish between physical fear and true fear.

  Think about it for a minute.

  Your fear in social interactions is almost purely physical fear, not true fear. You might be afraid that you will do or say something awkward, or that others won’t like you, or that others might judge you. But you know what? Probably none of those things will happen. And even if that does happens, it’s ok.

  Say it with me. It’s ok.

  Social Anxiety = Physical Fear

  If you’re talking with someone and say something incredibly awkward, what will happen? Well, you’ll feel embarrassed. The other person might become upset, or they might laugh at you. But then you’ll recover.

  The conversation will move onto a different topic. The other person will forgive your awkwardness and will soon forget it entirely. Worst case, you will try again in a new conversation with someone else.

  No real harm is done. Nobody was mauled by a bear.

  Social interaction is supposed to be fun, and failure is not a big deal. Read that again. Failure is not a big deal. If you mess up in one social interaction, no permanent harm will be done. Take a deep breath, remind yourself that nobody was mauled by a bear, and go strike up a conversation with someone new.

  Now, there is an exception to this rule. If you do something to upset or offend someone with whom you have a long-term relationship (like a longtime friend or a coworker), then there may in fact be real consequences since you might damage the relationship. But you have to seriously upset or offend someone in order to cause lasting damage, and if you are making an effort to be sensitive to their feelings, that is unlikely to happen.

  Plus, normally your greatest anxiety is not caused by the people that are close to you; it’s caused by people you don’t know very well. When you don’t know someone well, there is no relationship to damage and therefore no real danger.

  Freedom from Fear

  So next time you feel your anxiety peaking at the thought of a social interaction, remind yourself that it’s only physical fear. Social interaction can’t really hurt you (even if you make a mistake.)

  I know this reminder won’t make the physical fear go away. Your heart might still race and your palms might still sweat. But you will have the courage to face down that fear.

  Of course, overcoming fear is a process. Your fear might be extremely powerful, especially if you have social anxiety disorder or if you have experienced painful bullying and rejection. And if that’s the case, it’s ok. I don’t expect anyone to read this lesson and instantly banish fear.

  Instead, I hope this lesson encourages you to take small but steady steps away from fear. Find a goal that seems scary but doable, and use your knowledge of true fear and physical fear to help you accomplish that goal.

  Don’t worry if the first time you attempt the goal you fail – remember, failure is not a big deal. And don’t feel that you have to accomplish this on your own. If possible, ask family and friends to support you or find a support group to help you on your journey.

  (I also recommend that you consider seeing a professional counselor. As I mention elsewhere, counselors can be incredibly helpful, and there is no shame in talking to one. If you’re really hurting and you need to talk to someone right now, just call 1-800-442-HOPE and you will be connected to a volunteer counselor.)

  The important thing to remember is that anxiety is something you can overcome. It will take time, and it may take the support of friends, counselors, and loved ones, but you can overcome anxiety. Just take small steady steps towards your goal, and remember that no matter what physical fear might want you to believe, you don’t need to fear failure.

  Be courageous.

  Manipulation vs. True Intimacy

  So, a word on what I’m trying to accomplish here (and what I’m not).

  My goal here is to help you have deep, fulfilling, authentic relationships by giving you a solid foundation in social skills. I’m not trying to teach you everything there is to know about social skills or make you into some kind of social superhero. I just want you to have the skills you need to build great relationships.

  Thing is, those skills can be used for bad ends. Martin Luther King Jr was a great orator, but so was Hitler. The thought of using social skills to deceive others or to manipulate people into giving you what you want can be very seductive.

  And there are lots of social skills “gurus” out there who teach a message of manipulation and deceit. They claim to teach social skills so you can gain power and influence, convince others to do what you want, or seduce women.

  These manipulation-based social skills have a lot of practical problems (most of the techniques don’t work, or only work in a few limited instances). What’s more, they’re just plain wrong.

  I believe that most people reading this guide are as committed as I am to building relationships on a foundation of trust and respect, not manipulation and deceit. If that’s you, then you can safely ignore this section.

  But for those who are tempted by thoughts of manipulation, a word of warning.

  The Danger of Manipulation

  True fulfilling relationships are ALWAYS built on mutual trust and respect. If you manipulate someone, you are disrespecting them, and you will destroy their trust in you as soon as they find out. You might be able to get what you want in the short term by using manipulation and deceit, but in the long term you will always be found out.

  You will never get the true intimacy you’re seeking with deceit.

  So if you’re looking to learn how to influence people to do what you want, or to seduce women, or to create a false impression of who you are to fool others, my program has nothing to offer you.

  But here’s the thing. You don’t need deceit or manipulation. Improve Your Social Skills is based on the philosophy that you don’t need to change who you are to be liked or accepted. I believe that if you let people get to really know you, incredible friendships are going to happen. You don’t have to twist someone’s arm or fool them about who you are. You just need to give them the chance to really know you.

  It’s true that when you don’t have good social skills, it’s hard to have the interactions that allow others to get to know you. But social skills can be learned (that’s what this guide is for!). And when you are no longer held back by a lack of social skills, your true self will shine through.

  That’s worth working towards. Don’t give up
, and don’t settle.

  Chapter 2: Body Language

  Relationships are built on communication. I share with you, and you share with me. When we share with each other, we understand each other better – which grows our relationship deeper.

  The tricky part is that a lot of communication is non-verbal. I might not use words to tell you if I feel upset with you, but I might physically draw back from you – for instance, by crossing my arms, angling my feet towards the door, or avoiding eye contact. If you don’t catch my physical signals, you might not realize that something is wrong until it’s too late.

  Even if you understand the body language signals other people are sending, you might not realize what your own body is communicating. When your body language is cold and standoffish, people are unlikely to approach you, even if you want them to.

  Fortunately, it’s easy to make body language a positive part of your interactions. In this section of the guide, I will walk you through the simple, practical principles that will guide you to a great understanding of body language.

  Body Language contains five lessons:

  Comfort and Discomfort: The Only Two Signals You Need

  Pick up a book on body language, and you’ll be confronted with hundreds of pages filled with different body language signals. The hidden meanings of every possible movement, glance, and nose scratch is explained in painstaking detail. It makes for interesting reading, but it’s not very practical to memorize hundreds of body language signals.

  Fortunately, there’s a better way. There’s only two major body language signals that you need to know: “Comfort” and “Discomfort.” In this lesson, I explain how to use each of these signals in conversation.

  A Field Guide to Comfort

  There are several body language signals that indicate someone is feeling comfortable. In this lesson, I teach you how to recognize the most common comfort signals and explain how to respond.

  A Field Guide to Discomfort

  Much like comfort, bodies also have several ways to signal that someone is feeling uncomfortable. In this lesson, I walk you through the most common discomfort signals so you will know when your partner is feeling uncomfortable.

  Understanding Body Language in Context

  In order to respond appropriately to body language during a social interaction, you need to understand the context of the interaction. This section teaches you how to recognize key signals from context that help you to respond better to body language.

  Your Body Language

  Understanding the body language of others is extremely useful, but you also need to understand the messages your own body language is sending. It’s easy for your body language and your words to send conflicting messages, which is a recipe for misunderstanding. In this lesson, I help you make sure that your body and your words work together.

  Comfort/ Discomfort: The Core of Body Language

  Body language helps us understand one another.

  If you encounter a friend whose body language shows sadness, you know to ask them what's wrong.

  If you start to tell a story and your friend's body language shows interest, you know to keep talking.

  It's useful stuff.

  Unfortunately, body language is very complex. There are hundreds of different signals our body can send, and unless you are Paul Ekman or are willing to put in decades of work, you can't learn them all.

  Fortunately, you don't need to learn them all.

  In fact, there are only two signals you need to learn: "comfort" and "discomfort."

  Comfort signals tell you that the person is feeling good. People give off comfort signals when they like the person they're interacting with, they enjoy their current activity or interaction, and there is nothing troubling them.

  Discomfort signals tell you that something is wrong. People give off discomfort signals when something is bothering them, when they're not feeling happy, or when they are not enjoying their current activity or interaction.

  Responding to Comfort and Discomfort

  Comfort and discomfort signals are the clues that tell you how your partner is feeling. Once you know how your partner is feeling, you know how to respond.

  Here's how it works:

  Think of these signals as red light/green light. If you're picking up "I'm feeling comfortable" messages, then you've got a green light.

  When you get a green light, your job is simply to relax and enjoy the interaction. Keep an eye out in case their body language changes to discomfort, but otherwise, just relax and keep doing whatever you were doing.

  If you're reading "I'm not comfortable" signals, then that's a red light (or at least, a yellow "caution" light.) When you get a red light, your job is to help your conversation partner feel more comfortable. Try to learn what caused them to feel uncomfortable and see if you can remove the source of the discomfort.

  In other words, this is how you use body language in social interactions:

  Look at body language signals to find out if your partner is comfortable or uncomfortable.

  If they're comfortable, then relax.

  If they're uncomfortable, try to find out what's wrong and fix it.

  Comfort and Discomfort in Practice

  In practice, this is very simple. Let me give you an example.

  A few days ago, my friend asked me a question, and I launched into an extremely long-winded answer. Midway through my response, I checked their body language and realized they were giving off several discomfort signals. Oops.

  I realized the source of their discomfort was my long-winded answer (they had wanted a short response, not a massive lecture.) I cut my long-winded explanation short and was rewarded with my friend's body language becoming more comfortable.

  My friend never told me that they were bored, but their body clearly communicated it to me. Because I knew how to understand their body language, it was easy for me to see their discomfort and realize I needed to cut my answer short.

  People communicate comfort and discomfort to you with their bodies all the time. Learn to understand and respond to these body language signals, and it will be much easier for you to have positive interactions.

  Of course, in order to respond to body language in this way, you need to be able to notice when someone is signaling that they are comfortable or uncomfortable. You also need to be able to look at the context to understand what is causing your partner to feel comfortable or uncomfortable. Fortunately, we'll cover all of these topics in the next few lessons.

  A Field Guide to Comfort

  Comfort is a great signal to receive. When you know that your conversation partner is comfortable, you can relax and enjoy the conversation.

  People will signal comfort in a variety of ways, the most important of which I’ve highlighted below. Your goal is to look for patterns in the signals. If someone is truly comfortable, they will send multiple “Comfort” body language signals.

  The list below consists of signals that are both common and easy to spot. It’s not an exhaustive list of comfort signals, but it is enough for you to be able to reliably detect if someone is comfortable.

  Key Comfort Signals

  Leaning In, Moving Closer, or Turning to Face You

  When someone is comfortable with you or interested in what you’re saying, they want to remove distance between the two of you. You can think of it as “If someone FEELS close to me, they want to BE close to me”.

  Removing distance can take different forms. Sometimes your partner will lean towards you—a good sign! Other times, they’ll turn to face you, or physically scoot closer. They might also remove an object that is between the two of you (for instance, setting their dinner plate aside when at a restaurant.)

  Feet in particular are a reliable (if subtle) indicator of someone turning towards you. Someone might consciously choose to face you, but most people aren’t consciously aware of what their feet are doing. So if someone turns their feet towards you, that’s probably a genuine expressi
on of comfort and therefore a very good sign.

  A Tilted Head or a Head Rested on a Hand

  A tilted head indicates curiosity, whereas resting their head on their hand implies that they’re listening intently. Both indicate comfort. If someone is focused on what you’re saying, it’s very common to see them leaning forward, resting their elbow on a table and their head in their hand.

  One Leg Tucked Underneath On a Couch (Girls Only)

  This is a girl-only signal, but a very powerful one. If a girl is sitting next to someone she feels comfortable with, she will often tuck one leg underneath her and turn towards that person. If you are on the receiving end of this, count yourself lucky. It means the girl really enjoys being with you.

  The “I’m Digging This” Smile

  Generally, someone will not be grinning madly throughout an encounter—if they are, you are probably talking with The Joker and should be concerned.

  But when people are enjoying themselves, often the corners of their mouth will be turned up slightly. It’s subtle, but I call this the “I’m digging this” smile—it shows that people are enjoying whatever’s going on. If you’re telling a funny story to your friends and you notice this smile, that’s a good sign.

  Physical Touch

  This is a significant indicator of comfort. If someone is feeling comfortable with you, they’re much more likely to touch your shoulder to get your attention, or put their hand on your knee when they ask if you’re ok, or give you a hug when they greet you.