Improve Your Social Skills Page 3

  Physical touch varies a lot by individuals, so don’t worry if someone is not touching you physically—they might just not be touchy. But if someone is touching you, you can conclude that they’re feeling fairly comfortable with you.

  Mastering Body Language

  Focusing on comfort and discomfort is considerably easier than trying to memorize every single facet of body language, but it’s still a fair amount to swallow all at once.

  Fortunately, you don’t need to memorize these all at once. I have an exercise for you that will help you break the body language pieces into bite sized chunks for easy memorization.

  The exercise is simple:

  Choose one or two signals from the list.

  Turn on the TV to your favorite show. Ideally, your favorite show should be live-action and have a lot of social interaction. If it doesn’t, consider watching another show. Reality TV is actually a very good choice, since it’s mostly talking.

  Enjoy the show, but look for the signals you chose as the characters interact. Don’t be afraid to rewind a scene to get a closer look at a signal. Keep practicing until you feel confident that you could notice the signals in a real interaction.

  Once you feel like you could recognize the signals you chose in a real interaction, pick a few more and start looking for them as well. Eventually, you’ll find yourself able to look for all of the signals on the list.

  With a little practice, awareness of body language starts to become second nature. Once you know what you’re looking for, it’s easy to spot patterns of signals and decipher what your partner is feeling.

  A Field Guide to Discomfort

  Discomfort signals work together with comfort signals to help you manage interactions. When you realize that someone is uncomfortable, you can quickly take action to fix the situation. Once the person is giving off comfort signals again, then you know you have successfully put the conversation back on track.

  Like comfort signals, discomfort signals appear in patterns, and are best understood in context. When you see a discomfort signal, think through the other comfort and discomfort signals you have seen, as well as the overall context.

  I’ve compiled a list of the most common discomfort signals. I’ve picked these particular signals because they’re both very common and very easy to spot, making them the perfect place to begin. This is not an exhaustive list, so as you learn additional discomfort signals, feel free to add them to your repertoire. But this list is all that you need to start noticing discomfort signals and using that information in your interactions.

  Key Discomfort Signals

  Neck Touching or Neck Rubbing

  Your neck is home to many nerve endings that, when rubbed, will lower your heart rate and comfort you. When people are uncomfortable, they will unconsciously touch their necks so that these nerves will activate and help to calm them.

  Rubbing or stroking on the front or back of the neck is the most common kind of neck touching, but if the person is wearing a necklace or a necktie, they might fiddle with that also.

  Face Touching or Face Rubbing

  There are also nerve endings in your face, so some people will rub their face to comfort themselves. Look for rubbing the forehead, rubbing the eyes, playing with the hair, rubbing lips—all of these are behaviors people use to calm themselves down. People will also sometimes puff out their cheeks and exhale.

  Leg Rubbing

  This is where a seated person puts their hands (or hand) palm-down on their legs and slides it towards their knees. Picture someone wiping off sweaty palms on their pants and you’ve got the idea.

  Withdrawing or Blocking

  If someone is in conversation and they become uncomfortable with the person or the topic of conversation, they may try to pull back or place objects between themselves and their partner. They might lean away, adjust their chair so that they’re not facing the person directly, cross their arms to block their chest, and/or cross their legs so that their knee is between themselves and the other person.

  Be careful with this signal, though. Some people might cross their legs or lean back to sit more comfortably, or cross their arms because they’re cold. That’s why it’s important to look at it in context—if you are seeing crossed arms or legs but otherwise positive signals, you are probably okay.

  Feet Pointed Away

  Feet are extremely powerful indicators of how someone is actually feeling. If someone’s feet are pointed away from their conversation partner, that’s often a signal that they’d rather exit the conversation. Of course, this only applies if the person could comfortably and naturally point their feet at their partner—if you’re sitting next to each other on an airplane, this doesn’t apply because it would be very difficult for them to point their feet at you. But if you’re standing facing one another, and you see their feet start pointing towards the door, you might want to graciously bring the conversation to a close.

  The Interruption Hand

  This is not a sign of discomfort so much as an indication that the other person wants to speak. When someone wants to speak, their hand will often jerk upwards—sometimes with their pointer finger raised. The hand will only raise partway before stopping. Essentially what’s happening is that the person wants to interject, but they stopped themselves before they actually said anything. Do them a favor and give them a chance to speak.

  Very Little Eye Contact

  Nobody maintains eye contact all the time, but when they look away they should soon look back to you. If someone is looking everywhere but you, they’re probably not comfortable. A simple way of testing this is to say their name in the conversation: for instance “Isn’t that right, Carl?” Most people, upon hearing their name, will look at you and hold eye contact for several moments. If someone glances at you when you say their name, then immediately looks away, they may be uncomfortable.

  Also, pay attention if someone is repeatedly looking away from you at one specific thing. For instance, if you’re talking with someone and they keep glancing over their shoulder at someone else, it might be that they want to talk to that person.

  Acting on Discomfort Signals

  Of course, it’s not enough to just know when someone is uncomfortable. You also need to take action to make them comfortable again. Fortunately, it’s easy to know how to make your partner comfortable if you know how.

  Understanding Body Language in Context

  Let’s say you’re in a conversation and you notice that your partner has crossed their arms, leaned away from you, and is repeatedly rubbing their face. That’s definitely uncomfortable body language. But why is your partner uncomfortable?

  Well, they might be uncomfortable because they don’t like the conversation topic.

  Or they might be uncomfortable because you have food in your teeth and they’re not sure if they should tell you.

  Or perhaps something is wrong that has nothing to do with you, like an upset stomach.

  If you only look at their body language, you won’t have enough information to identify the source of their discomfort. Body language will tell you that someone is comfortable or uncomfortable, but it can’t tell you why.

  That’s why you look at the context.

  What Is Context?

  Looking at context means being aware of three things:

  The conversation itself. Did something in the conversation cause your partner to become more or less comfortable? For instance, if your partner’s language changed when you asked a specific question, perhaps there is something about that question that made them uncomfortable.

  The environment the conversation takes place in. Conversations don’t occur in a vacuum (unless you are an astronaut.) Look around the room to see what your partner might be reacting to. An argument at a nearby table, an overly crowded room, or an ex-girlfriend who just entered the party could all be reasons why your partner suddenly became uncomfortable.

  Your partner’s recent experiences. Your partner’s day did not begin when
you started talking with them, and the experiences they had prior to your conversation might still be affecting them. For example, if your partner had a rough day at work, they might give off discomfort signals because they are still thinking about their stressful day.

  Applying Context

  Take the time to look at context, and you will normally identify a few potential causes for your partner’s discomfort. Try to remove the discomfort caused by the context, and see if your partner becomes comfortable.

  For instance, let’s say their body language signaled discomfort when you introduced a controversial topic. Change the topic and see if their body language relaxes. Is there a bad smell in the room? Suggest changing rooms and seeing if they lighten up.

  And remember that if you can’t deduce the source of their discomfort, it’s usually ok to just ask them what’s wrong. You don’t need to be Sherlock Holmes; it’s enough that you made an honest effort to look at the context.

  After all, even if you don’t know the source of their discomfort, you can still try to make them more comfortable. Offer to fix them their favorite drink, or pick a fun topic to talk about instead of a serious one. It’s preferable to know the specific source of their discomfort, but simply being aware that they are uncomfortable goes a long way.

  I know that context can seem overwhelming at first. And in honesty, it will take some practice before you become comfortable with both looking at context and also focusing on the conversation. But I think that as you practice, you will find that looking at context is very simple.

  In a nutshell, the purpose of looking at context is to find clues that help you make your partner more comfortable. When someone’s body language tells you that they are uncomfortable, you can look at context to find out why. Then, use that information to help you remove the source of discomfort. Practice looking at context until it becomes natural, and you will have a powerful tool to add to your social skills repertoire.

  Of course, body language is not just about your partner’s body language, or even your partner’s body language combined with context. Your own body language plays a role, too.

  Your Body Language

  In the previous lessons on body language, you learned how to understand the body language signals of others. If you detect a body language that signals someone is uncomfortable, you know to look for the cause of their discomfort and then try to remove it. If someone signals that they are feeling comfortable, you know that you can relax and enjoy the interaction.

  But how do people interpret the body language signals that you give? It’s true that only a few people have trained themselves to consciously analyze body language. But even if your conversation partner never consciously thinks about your body language, they will still subconsciously react to it.

  For instance, if your body language exhibits warmth and friendliness, your partner is likely to sense that and relax. If your body language demonstrates disinterest or boredom, your partner will think twice before sharing something personal with you.

  When Your Body Language and Your Words Don’t Agree

  Unfortunately, most people don’t think about their own body language. They might spend a lot of time thinking of the perfect words to say, without realizing that their body language and their words are sending very different messages.

  For example, say you have had a long, hard day, but your friend wants to talk with you about something that they are struggling with. You obviously care about your friend, so you tell them that you want to talk.

  But if during the conversation you are yawning, looking at the clock, and leaning back in your chair with your arms crossed, your friend might conclude that you don’t really want to talk with them after all. They storm off, and you are left wondering what you said wrong. (Of course, you didn’t say anything wrong—that’s the point!)

  That’s just one example; it’s easy to think of other ways your own body language can create misunderstandings. When your words and your body are sending different messages, people will tend to go with the message that your body is sending. If you didn’t mean to send that message, trouble ensues.

  The Power of Self-Awareness

  Fortunately, that trouble is entirely avoidable. Just be aware of the messages your body is sending. Your body is going to communicate—that’s just part of being human. Take the time to notice what it is communicating, and you can make sure that your body and your words are sending the same message.

  Let me be clear. I’m not talking about changing your body language to mask deception – if your words are communicating something untrue, then you should change your words instead of your body language. Relationships built on deception will never give you the long-term satisfaction and intimacy that you need.

  Instead, focus on presenting a cohesive, genuine message of the thing that is both true and most important. If you are tired but you care about your friend, the message that is most important is “I care about you,” not “I’m tired” (even though both messages are true.) If you are excited to meet someone new but also nervous, the message that is most important is “I am excited to meet you,” not “I am nervous.”

  The message of “I care about you” is more important than the message of “I am very tired” because your commitment to your friend runs deeper than your physical fatigue. The message of “I am excited to meet you” is more important than the message of “I’m feeling nervous” because your desire to make a new friend is greater than your nervousness.

  It’s ok to make sure your body language communicates the message that is most important. That’s not deception; that’s just making sure the most important message is communicated well. When you are aware of your own body language, you can be sure that both your words and your body language reflect the message that is the most true.

  So take the time to be aware of your own body language. The lists of comfort and discomfort signals are just as useful when you are using them to understand your own body language as when you are analyzing someone else’s. Be aware of what your body is communicating, and make the effort to mute discomfort signals and broadcast comfort signals. You’ll find that as you match your body language to your words, you will have much greater success in your interactions.

  Chapter 3: Conversation

  Most conversation advice doesn’t help you make conversation.

  It’s easy to find tips like “Look your partner in the eye” or “Think of conversation topics ahead of time.” These tips are helpful, but they don’t explain how conversation actually works–it’s like saying “Keep your eye on the ball” instead of explaining the rules of baseball.

  Of course, you can still enjoy baseball even if you don’t understand the rules. But when you struggle during small talk, it’s incredibly frustrating – especially if you don’t know how to improve.

  The good news?

  You don’t need to be frustrated anymore.

  Improve Your Social Skills is a practical, step-by-step guide to social success – and that means it teaches you how conversation actually works.

  You’ll learn the bedrock principles of conversation and how to apply those principles to make smooth, engaging conversation. Dive in!

  The Secret of Conversation Flow

  What makes some conversations flow smoothly, and others sputter or feel awkward? In this section, I explain the principles of “Invitation” and “Inspiration” and how these two principles work together to create smooth, comfortable conversation.

  Invitation: The Art of Good Questions

  Invitations help to add structure to a conversation by clearly communicating to your partner when it’s their turn to speak and giving them a topic to speak about. In this section, I discuss invitations in depth and teach you how to use them in your conversations. In addition, since most invitations are questions, I explain how to ask good questions and show how you can build rapport with others using questions.

  Inspiration: The Heartbeat Of Good Conversation

  It
’s possible to build a conversation out of nothing but invitations, but there’s a better way. Through something I call “inspiration,” you can help build conversation that feels more natural and that encourages more sharing and intimacy between you and your partner. This section explains what inspirations are and how they work

  Inspiration In Practice

  Once you understand what inspirations are and what they can do for you, you’ll be eager to apply them in your everyday conversation. This section gives you the practical, step-by-step guidance you need to do just that

  Invitation And Inspiration In Harmony

  After you’ve learned about invitation and inspiration separately, it’s time to discover how they can work together. This section explains how you can use invitation and inspiration in harmony with each other and equips you to use them in real-world conversations.

  The Secret of Conversation Flow

  Think back to the most enjoyable conversations you’ve had. Chances are, those conversations moved smoothly from one speaker to the next, and naturally from one topic to another. There was no sense of “What do I say now?” or “Am I supposed to talk next?” You and the other people in the conversation felt free to enjoy spending time with each other instead of worrying about how to make the conversation work.

  What made these conversations so special? Well, they all had something called conversation flow. Conversation flow happens when conversation is comfortable, effortless, and smooth. It’s the way conversations are supposed to work.