Improve Your Social Skills Page 4

  Sometimes, conversation flow seems to happen automatically. You and your conversation partner hit it off, and the conversation feels really smooth and comfortable. That’s great when it happens, but what do you do when conversations don’t flow?

  That’s where the principle of invitation and inspiration comes in. Invitation and inspiration are the key ingredients of smooth, comfortable conversation.

  An invitation is when you say something that explicitly lets your partner know it is their turn to speak.

  An inspiration is when you say something that makes your partner want to speak unbidden.

  Both serve to prompt a response from your conversation partner and keep the conversation flowing.

  These two ingredients create the sense of conversation flow. Learn how to include them in your conversations and you will invite conversation flow into all of your interactions.

  With a bit of practice, you will find that invitation and inspiration enable you to build enjoyable, comfortable conversation in all of your interactions. No awkward pauses, forced segues, or fakey small talk.

  The Deli Metaphor

  Imagine that you and your conversation partner are working in a (poorly designed) deli. Half of the ingredients are at one end of the deli counter, and half of the ingredients are at the opposite end. The two of you need to make a sandwich, so you decide to stand at opposite ends of the counter and slide the sandwich back and forth.

  Your partner adds some lettuce, then slides it down for you. You add some mayo, then you slide it back so he can add some turkey. It’s a bit of a strange image, but stay with me. This is an extremely useful metaphor.

  Now, let’s make the image a little stranger. Let’s say that you and your partner are chatting as you work (normal enough), but that the sandwich you are making represents your conversation (not so normal.)

  You ask,, “How was your weekend?” and slide the sandwich down the counter.

  Your partner replies “Oh, it was great. How was yours?” and slides the sandwich back.

  You reply “It was fine.” and try to return the sandwich. The sandwich travels six inches and stops dead.

  What happened? Well, you didn’t give your partner a clear invitation or a strong inspiration. Without either of those things, your partner didn’t know what to say next (and perhaps was unsure if it was his turn to speak.) So he didn’t respond. The conversation lapsed, and the sandwich stopped sliding.

  Remember, an invitation is when you say something that explicitly lets your partner know it is their turn to speak. And an inspiration is when you say something that makes your partner want to speak unbidden. Without an invitation or an inspiration, your partner might not know what to say or whether to respond. That’s why you want to be deliberate to offer invitations and inspirations to your partner.

  Invitation: The Art of Good Questions

  Remember, our goal is conversation flow. Conversations flow when they move from topic to topic and speaker to speaker in a way that feels smooth and natural. One of your primary tools for helping conversations flow is the idea of invitation. An invitation is something you say that:

  Communicates very clearly that it is now your partner’s turn to talk, and

  Gives a strong suggestion for what your partner should talk about.

  For instance, “What did you do today?” is an invitation. It’s obvious that you are inviting your partner to speak, and you are giving a clear idea for what they should talk about (their day!)

  Invitations are a foolproof safety net for rough spots in the conversation. If you’re not sure what to say next, just throw out an invitation and the conversation will keep going. It’s ideal if your invitations relate to something that’s already been discussed, but that’s not essential (especially if the conversation has halted.) Just throw out an invitation and get the conversation rolling again!

  Most invitations are questions, but not all questions are good invitations. For a question to be a good invitation, it needs to satisfy the first two rules I listed above, and it also needs to be open-ended.

  The Power of Good Questions

  By “open-ended question,” I mean an invitation that allows your partner to talk at length, instead of being limited to a short answer. When you ask a closed-ended question like, “Did you have a good weekend?” your partner will likely answer “Yes” or “No.” Since you’re looking for smooth, flowing conversation, a one-word response is not ideal.

  But if you ask the same question in an open-ended way, you will give your partner a much better invitation. When you ask, “What did you do this weekend?” your partner is free to tell you the full story of their weekend. You’re still asking about their weekend, but you’re asking it in a way that invites them to share.

  When you invite your partner to share in this way, something powerful happens. Not only does inviting your partner to share help the conversation to flow, but it also gives you an opportunity to show your partner that you are interested in them.

  When you ask your partner insightful questions about themselves, it tells them that you want to get to know them better. After all, if you didn’t, why would you be asking the questions? The classic writing rule of “Show; don’t tell” applies to conversation, too. When you ask your partner questions about themselves, you’re not just telling them you are interested in them – you’re showing them that you care.

  How to Ask Good Questions

  Now, there is an art to asking good, insightful questions. If you ask questions that are very superficial (“Do you think it will rain this week?”), you won’t find out much about the other person, and they won’t get a clear message that you are interested in them. But if you ask questions that are too intimate (“What is your deepest, darkest secret?”) you are likely to make people uncomfortable.

  The trick is to start superficial, and then slowly go more intimate while keeping an eye on the other person’s comfort level. If you find that they start giving signs of discomfort, then you should ask less intimate questions. But if they are giving you consistent signals of comfort, then you can consider that a green light to continue digging deeper.

  Two quick words of warning about this principle of digging deeper, though:

  First, this progression from superficial to intimate is something that happens over the course of a relationship, not over the course of one conversation. When you first meet someone, it’s appropriate to go from talking about the weather (very superficial) to talking about where they work (a bit more intimate.) It’s probably not appropriate to go from talking about the weather to talking about (for example) their painful divorce.

  However, as time goes by and you have more conversations with this person, each conversation is an opportunity to dig a little deeper. Eventually you might get to a place where they are comfortable sharing very intimate things with you, but that will usually happen after you have shared many conversations together.

  Second, if you ask the other person more intimate questions, you should share more intimate things about yourself. If the other person is opening up to you but you are not opening up to them, they will quickly become uncomfortable.

  Invitation and Inspiration

  Obviously, invitations are really useful. They can protect your conversations from grinding to a halt, and they are a powerful tool for building intimacy and rapport with your conversation partner.

  However, as handy as invitations are, you can’t build an entire conversation out of them. If the entire conversation consists of explicit invitations, it will feel awkward – like an interview instead of a conversation. Natural-feeling conversation flows from one speaker to the next, sometimes with explicit invitations, but often not. Maintaining conversation flow without relying on invitations is where inspiration comes in.

  Inspiration: The Heartbeat of Good Conversation

  When conversations flow smoothly, people feel comfortable sharing even without an invitation. They’ll chime in whenever they have something they want
to share and feel encouraged to share it.

  This means that in order to create conversational flow, you should:

  Make your partner comfortable

  Inspire your partner to want to share

  Making your partner comfortable is pretty straightforward. Be friendly, pay attention to their body language, and give good invitations so they know you really want to know them better.

  But what do I mean by inspiring your partner?

  Well, picture two artists taking turns while painting together. The first artist might tell the second artist, “Hey, why don’t you put some blue here?” and the second artist might respond with “Ok, then you should put some yellow over there.”

  That’s an invitation, and you can certainly make a painting (or a conversation!) using nothing but invitations.

  But there’s a better way.

  The Beauty of Inspiration

  Image that the first artist paints a bold streak of yellow on the canvas. The intensity of the yellow inspires the second artist to create a contrast by adding a somber blue, which in turn inspires the first artist to use shading to highlight the relationship between the blue and yellow, which in turn inspires the second artist to add a new color, and so on until the painting is complete.

  That’s a painting I would want to see.

  A painting created by inspiration building on inspiration will be far more creative and emotive than a painting created by trading invitations.

  More importantly, the artists undoubtedly had much more fun (and felt much closer to one another) when they painted in this style.

  Inspiration in Conversation

  That same effect is true in conversation. When you and your partner inspire each other to share, the conversation flows smoothly and you feel closer one to one another.

  In a nutshell, you inspire me when something that you share makes me want to share something, too. Notice the word “want” in that definition. Inspiration does not make your partner feel obligated to share. It makes them want to share.

  This is different from an invitation, because an invitation explicitly tells your partner, “Now is the time to speak – and by the way, this is what you should speak about.”

  By contrast, an inspiration is much less explicit.

  When you inspire your partner, you create a welcoming space where they are encouraged to share but are not required to. Inspiration also gives your partner much more freedom in how they respond. If you ask me, “How was your weekend?” (an invitation), I can only respond by answering your question. But if you tell me a story from the bowling game you went to last weekend (an inspiration), then I can choose how I respond.

  I might ask you a question about the game, or share a story from my own weekend, or give my opinion about bowling leagues. It’s up to me.

  And that means it’s not up to you.

  When you weave inspiration into your conversations, you can free yourself from the responsibility of knowing what to say next. Inspiration encourages you and your partner to create a conversation together, trusting that the dash of green that you are painting now will inspire me when it comes time for me to put my own brush to the canvas.

  You don’t need to have an endless list of questions ready, or memorize funny anecdotes that you can share at a moment’s notice. You just need to be genuine in what you share, and share it in a way that encourages your partner to share, too.

  Inspiration in Practice

  It’s simple and easy to apply inspiration in your conversations.

  When you want to inspire your partner, be deliberate to share something that might inspire them to share their curiosity, their thoughts, or their story.

  These are not the only three ways to inspire your partner—anything that encourages your partner to share is an inspiration. But these three ways are effective and easy to learn, so I recommend you focus on them while you’re practicing inspiration.

  Let’s look at each in turn:

  Inspire Them to Share Their Curiosity

  To inspire your partner to share their curiosity, share something they want to know more about. Use your knowledge of the other person to guide you as you craft great inspirations.

  For instance, I’m a big fan of the singer Hayley Westenra. If you tell me that you saw her in concert, you will certainly inspire my curiosity – I’ll want to know what songs she sang, how long you’ve been a fan, and what you thought of the concert. But mention the concert to someone who is not a fan, and you might just get a blank stare.

  Fortunately, your inspirations don’t have to be perfectly matched to the other person. Just make an honest effort to think about what the other person would be interested in, and you will usually end up ok.

  Inspire Them to Share Their Thoughts

  When you share your thoughts, it encourages your partner to share their own. Thoughts can be your opinions, your speculations, or a topic that you’re curious about.

  Be careful about this, though. If you sound like you’re lecturing when you share your thoughts, or you belittle people who disagree with you, your partner will not feel comfortable to share their own thoughts. Do your best to share your thoughts in a way that welcomes discussion and different opinions.

  If you have trusted friends or family members, ask them for honest feedback on how well you welcome the thoughts and opinions of others. It’s possible that you feel very open to the opinions of others, but you are unconsciously doing something that causes others to feel uncomfortable. When you ask family and friends to help you, it’s easy to find and fix these unconscious mistakes.

  Inspire Them to Share Their Story

  By story, I mean the story of their life: the experiences that made them the person they are. This can be big things like marriage and graduation, or little things like a crazy road trip that they did with their friends in high school. These experiences made your partner who they are, and when they share their experiences with you, you will get to know them much better.

  The best way to inspire your partner to share their story is to share your own story. Tell them about your years in high school, and they will probably answer with a story from their school days. Tell them about your trip to Europe, and they will probably regale with the story of their visit to Mexico. Tell them about a rough time you went through last year, and they might share some of their own struggles with you.

  Sharing your story doesn’t have to mean talking about specific events. You can talk about how much you’ve always loved art, or talk about how a particular fear has always been a struggle for you. The important thing about sharing your story is that you’re sharing something that’s real and that helps your partner know you better.

  In other words, talking about how your identity as a Trekkie has shaped you counts as sharing your story. Talking about why Captain Kirk could totally beat up Han Solo does not count as your story (because you’re not talking about you!)

  Also, remember that the same rules for intimacy that we previously discussed apply here, too. If you just met someone, you probably shouldn’t share a really private part of your story. Give the relationship time to grow, and over time you can share more and more intimate parts of your story.

  A Final Word on Inspiration

  One more thing. Inspiration is powerful, but it’s not an exact science. You might share an opinion with your partner in hopes of inspiring them to share their thoughts, but they respond with curiosity—or a piece of their story. That’s totally okay. Your goal is to encourage your partner to share. What they choose to share is up to them.

  Make sense?

  Awesome. Now that you’ve been introduced to both invitation and inspiration, let’s take a look at how they work together.

  Invitation and Inspiration in Harmony

  Now that we’ve looked at both invitation and inspiration, let’s discuss how to use them together.

  Great conversations need both invitation and inspiration. A conversation based entirely around invitations can sound lik
e an interview – nothing but questions and answers. And conversations based entirely around inspirations are hard to do – what happens when you attempt to inspire your partner and they don’t respond?

  The best solution is to move smoothly between invitation and inspiration, depending on the needs of the conversation. Invitations add guidance and structure to a conversation, and inspirations add intimacy and flexibility.

  In general, this means you should start conversations with mostly invitations, and use more inspirations as the conversation progresses. If you find the person is not responding to your inspirations, or the conversation has an awkward pause, then return to using more invitations until the conversation is moving again.

  In other words, when more inspiration seems appropriate, use more inspiration – but don’t be afraid to throw a few invitations in there (or vice versa.)

  You should use invitations more frequently:

  When the conversation begins

  When you don’t know the other person very well

  When your partner doesn’t seem to know what to say next

  And you should use inspiration more frequently:

  After your partner has shared something personal with you

  After your partner has asked you a personal question

  After you’ve gotten to know your partner better

  Moving Between Invitation and Inspiration

  You want to start conversations with mostly invitations and then move to mostly inspirations, because this starts with the focus on your partner, not on you.

  If you begin your conversation with inspirations, then you’re putting the focus first on you. You haven’t given your partner any reason to believe that you care about their thoughts, so they’re unlikely to respond to your inspiration. Plus, because you’ve only talked about yourself, your partner might assume that you are self-centered – an outcome best avoided.